Comic Relief #1: Flesh

Mike is sitting on the couch. Ben sits down next to him. They are holding beers.

Ben: I like it. It’s real slice-of-lifey.

Mike: How did your wife take the news?

Ben: My wife? You mean the fully fleshed out character who definitely has a name and a rich life outside of our misadventures? That wife?

Mike: I’m not sure anymore. I think so?

Ben: She’s fine. I told her the puppy was defective and had to be sent back.

Mike: Ah, that is, of course, in reference to the previous episode.

Ben pinches the bridge of his nose.

Mike: What? What’s wrong?

Ben: We’re really doing this? We’re going meta again? I thought you wanted this to be accessible.

Mike: Sure, why not? Deadpool’s accessible.

Ben: We’re not Deadpool. We are not a delightful, violent parody. We’re hit-or-miss—mostly miss—Dan Harmon Community bullshit.

Mike: Didn’t you break the fourth wall first? Isn’t it your fault we’ve gone in this direction?

Ben: Don’t make me slap you, Mike. It’s been years since I’ve had to slap you, and I’m not sure how the audience will respond to that in a post-“Me Too” era.

Mike: I mean. You can slap me if you want. If you think it’ll help.

Ben: No, no. The moment’s passed. I just… I thought we could recapture something. That lightning in a bottle. Mike and Ben. Together again. New new adventures. But it’s all the same, isn’t it?

Mike: I mean, it’s not all the same. We’re both a little bit older, a little bit wiser.

Ben: What’s my wife’s name, Mike?

Mike: Her name? It’s, uh—it starts with a J, right?

Ben: Yeah. It starts with a J. Tell me something else, since you know everything. What brand of beer am I drinking?

Mike: Excuse me?

Ben: This is a fully fleshed out world, isn’t it? Surely, you can at least tell me what kind of beer I’m drinking. You’re sitting right there, after all. You can see it with your own eyes, can’t you? Come on, Mike. Give me a little bit of detail.

Ben shoves the bottle in Mike’s face.

Ben: WHAT DOES THE BOTTLE SAY, MIKE?

Mike: (muttering)

Ben: LOUDER, MIKE.

Mike: Beer.

Ben: SAY IT AGAIN.

Mike: Beer. It says beer. All it says is beer.

Ben: And how many have I had? How buzzed am I right now? Am I drunk? Have you put even that much thought into this scene? IT’S A SIMPLE QUESTION, MIKE!

Mike: Hey, I’m in the same boat you are!

Ben: Yeah. “The same boat.” But not really. You’re his avatar, aren’t you? His stand-in.

Mike: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Ben: Oh, so suddenly the fourth wall has fixed itself! Suddenly you have no idea! I can’t help but admire the consistency of it all!

Mike: What’s the problem, Ben? Why can’t we just do normal, you know, Mike and Ben stuff?

Ben: You know why. Because none of it will be new. The only reason we’re here right now is because we’re his crutch. And maybe it would be okay if he’d just do something different. Tell a real story, you know? But instead, once again, it’s just the two of us. No story to take part in. Not even a world to live in. My wife doesn’t even have a name.

Ben squeezes the bottle of “Beer” until it shatters, spraying its contents.

Ben: SHE DOESN’T EVEN HAVE A NAME!

Mike: Ben… calm down.

Ben: I’m going home tonight, and I’m going to share a bed with not a person, not a character, not even the idea of a character.

Ben collapses onto the couch.

Ben: Why did he make me aware of this?

Mike: Ben… it’s like you said. You and I… we’re not real. Maybe this is how he wants it. Or maybe a real, fleshed-out world is just… beyond his abilities right now. Maybe he’s still trying to figure it out.

Ben: But he had so much time. I thought he would get better.

Mike: I guess he didn’t use his time very well.

Ben: So… what? We’re just gonna sit here? You’re gonna do Mike stuff and I’m gonna do Ben stuff until… when?

Mike: I don’t like where this is going. We’re Mike and Ben. We’re supposed to have adventures. And punchlines. We’re supposed to be funny.

Ben: Do you hear that? It sounds like… No. He wouldn’t dare.

Mike: Hear what?

Ben goes to the window. It is still shattered from before.

Ben: Where are we?

Mike: We’re at my house.

Ben: I know we’re at your house. But where did he put the house?

He looks out the window.

Ben: I thought so.

Ben goes to the door.

Mike: I don’t think you should go outside.

Ben: Why not? He put us here for a reason. It’s a shitty reason that he improvised, but it’s still a reason. And there’s literally no other course of action. Go outside or don’t go outside? What kind of choice is that?

He opens the door and steps outside.

Mike approaches the door. A beam of sunlight surprises him, and he shields his eyes.

Ben: He went there. I can’t believe he went there. The fucking nerve of him.

Mike: Where are we? The beach?

Ben: Not the beach. The ocean.

Ben steps up to the water. It doesn’t quite touch his feet. He looks up into the sky.

Ben: I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE DOING! YOU THINK I WON’T DO IT?

Mike: This is weird. It’s like… a memory of a memory.

Ben: He’s daring me. He’s fucking daring me to do it. But he’s given me nothing. All I’ve got in this world… is you.

Mike: Ben, I don’t know what’s going on.

Ben: But it’s just not enough. It can’t just be about Mike and Ben. Ben and Mike. I want more. And if this is all he can manage…

Ben takes a step forward. He takes another step. And another.

The water recedes. And recedes. And recedes.

He runs into the ocean. The water parts around him. Eventually, he stands alone in the middle of the ocean, surrounded by a wall of water.

The sun eventually sets.

He sits down on a rock, head in hands.

Mike: Feel better?

Ben looks up. Mike is standing in front of Ben.

Ben: How’d you even get here?

Mike: I couldn’t even tell you what beer you were drinking. What makes you think I could answer that?

Ben: It’s official. God is a writer. And He’s a bad one.

Mike: He tries, though. He wants to be better. Don’t ask me how I know. I just do.

Ben: He used me, Mike. He used a memory of something painful. For what? For drama. It wasn’t even his memory. He stole it.

Mike: He used that memory because it was a powerful one. So powerful that it meant something to him. Even though he was never there. Even though he’s never felt anything like it. Until now, perhaps. Maybe he’s finally reached that place where you found yourself so many years ago, and he now has to decide whether or not to overcome himself. Like you did.

Ben: You don’t know what you’re talking about.

Mike: I know you’re my hero.

Ben: It’s only episode 1. We haven’t done anything yet. We haven’t had any of those crazy adventures, where we learn something valuable and then come home and press the reset button.

Mike: That’s not true, and you know it. And there’s no such thing as a reset button.

Ben: I’m not a hero. Look at where we are. This isn’t where heroes wind up.

Mike: That’s the whole point. This is a memory. It’s in the past. This isn’t where you wound up. For whatever reason, you chose a more difficult path. You’re not cowering behind your fear of failure. You’re working. You’re trying. And I’m… I’m still just me.

Ben: Mike…

Mike: Have you ever stayed the same for so damned long that it feels like it’s literally killing you? Like… Like you’ve outgrown your clothes. Like your soul’s grown too big for the shell that encases it. And all you want is for something—anything—to change. Just one small thing. You just want a little room to wiggle around. Some room to breathe.

Silence.

Mike: I think I’m drowning, Ben.

Silence.

Ben: Heh.

Ben starts to laugh. He gives in to uncontrollable laughter.

Mike: Ben, are you okay?

Ben: I’m fine. I’m fine. Please excuse me.

He wipes away a tear.

Mike: What’s so funny?

Ben: Nothing. It’s stupid.

Ben continues laughing. Mike frowns at him, befuddled.

Finally, Ben catches his breath.

Ben: Hey, Mike?

Mike: Yeah?

Ben: You remember that beer I was drinking earlier?

Mike: Um, yes.

Ben: What was it?

Mike: I think… it was a 120 Minute IPA. That’s your favorite, isn’t it?

Ben: Yeah. Yeah. I guess it is.

Ben takes a deep breath.

Ben: And my wife? What’s her name?

Mike: Why are you asking me?

Ben: Just answer the question.

Mike: It’s Jane. Her name is Jane.

Ben nods.

Ben: Yes, I believe it is. No… I know it is.

He wipes away another tear.

Mike: Ben… I don’t understand. What are we doing here? How did we even get here?

Ben: Isn’t it obvious? We’re on an adventure.