Comic Relief #0: Rabbit Hole

Mike sits at a table, reading a comic and sipping at a soda. He looks up and notices you.

Mike: Oh, hello. Didn’t see you there. Don’t worry, I won’t call the cops. Have a seat. My name is Mike.

Ben enters through a window, shattering the glass. He stands and brushes himself off.

Ben: And I’m Ben.

Mike: Ben, I was just explaining to our new friend here who we are and what we’re all about.

Ben stares at you.

Ben: I don’t know. I don’t think you can handle going down this rabbit hole.

Mike: Is that a metaphor for…?

Ben: Why are you trailing off? Finish the sentence.

Mike: I mean. I don’t want to say it in polite company.

Ben looks at you.

Ben: You. Are you polite?

You shake your head.

Ben looks at Mike.

Ben: Go ahead. You can say it.

Mike: Anyway, you might have noticed that Ben and I have an interesting little dynamic, maximized for your enjoyment.

Ben: The rabbit hole is my penis.

Mike: I am a run-of-the-mill awkward geek. Ben is pretty much the same, except he’s a bit less awkward and a bit more emotionally abusive.

Ben: In a funny way.

Mike hesitates.

Ben: I’m abusive in a funny way. Like, I’m the Roadrunner, and Mike is the Coyote I push off a cliff.

Mike: The Roadrunner never pushed the Coyote off a cliff.

Ben: Sure he did. He must have.

Mike: No, the Roadrunner never directly harmed the Coyote. That was one of the rules.

Ben: Well, you’re stupid and nobody cares about that, or anything else you have to say because you’re worthless.

Ben looks at you.

Ben: See? Funny.

Mike: How is the rabbit hole your penis? How does that even work?

Ben: Stop obsessing about my rabbit hole.

Mike: Well, moving on. I guess you’d like to know what else you can expect. Like, are we going have wacky adventures?

Ben: Heh. Don’t count on it. You’ll probably just get slice-of-life, comic-strip-length stories written for a punchline.

Mike: Well, that’s not necessarily true. There might be larger stories. Some might even call them “epic.”

Ben: You’re the only one who calls them that.

Mike: But we’re probably not gonna do anything crazy right away. We need to get to know each other first. But you’d best prepare yourself, because this is gonna be one wild… Hey, where are you going?

You stand up and turn to the door. Ben is already there. You glance at where he stood before, which was across the room. You don’t know how he could have traversed that distance so quickly.

Ben: You want to leave? Is that it? And miss out on the verbal and (sometimes) physical abuse I heap onto Mike for comedic effect? What’s the matter with you? Do you hate laughter? Do you hate fun?

You back away. You bump into the table. When you look, Mike is opposite you, having risen from his seat.

Mike: Leaving now would really hurt my feelings. And after I made myself so emotionally vulnerable.

Ben: I think you ought to get a sneak preview, so that you understand what you’d be missing out on.

You maneuver around the table, looking around desperately.

Mike: Won’t you stay? Couldn’t you stay? Won’t you be my audience?

You see the window that Ben shattered upon his entrance. You make a run for it. You dive through. And then…

Darkness.

Time passes. You find yourself in a room, unable to move. You are bedridden.

Mike: Ah, you’re awake. You took a nasty fall.

Ben: Actually, the fall wasn’t that bad, from the ground level and all. But you did bump your head a bit.

Mike: And we did drop you a few times getting you back into the house.

Ben: It was almost funny.

Mike: (aside) Story of my life.

Ben: But don’t feel bad. Because while you’re here, we’ll tell you some stories.

Mike: Yes, and then you’ll be our…

Silence.

Ben: What? What’s the problem?

Mike: I was about to say “biggest fan.”

They both groan.

Ben: Misery. We’re copying Misery. Fuck.

Mike: FUCK!!!

Ben: We can’t do stuff like that, Mike. We have to be better than that.

Mike: I know, I know. It just happened, okay? You think I set out to copy Stephen King? I haven’t even read any of his books all the way through!

Ben: Thanks for wasting my time, Mike. My wife has been waiting for me for five hours. I told her I was buying her a puppy. A puppy, Mike!

Mike: I thought I was ready. I really thought I could do this.

Ben: I’m going home.

Ben starts exiting the room. Mike follows.

Mike: You owe me a new window.

Ben: When you think about, you owe yourself a new window.

They continue talking. You look around. You try to move. You can’t.

Mike returns.

Mike: Hey, sorry about all that. I do try my best, but sometimes these things don’t always work out. They say failure can be a great teacher.

Ben: (from elsewhere) STOP QUOTING STAR WARS! THAT ONE WASN’T EVEN VERY GOOD!

Mike: Just… bear with me.

Mike turns to leave, grabbing the door.

Mike: And… get comfortable.

The door shuts.